8 Comments

Thanks for putting voice to some complicated issues around marriage related to gender, finances, and success.

The beautiful thing about marriage is that you can make your partnership into your own little experiment that doesn’t have to follow what capitalism and the patriarchy says it should look like. What do you and your husband want your marriage to be?

Wondering if/how combining finances would have a positive effect on how you feel about things? My husband and I have both taken career breaks, part time and lower paid work over the years. There’s no way we would have been able to do that if we didn’t have combined finances. I know it’s not for everyone, but for us we feel that we’re stronger as a team sharing financial resources - the pot belongs to both of us equally, no matter how much we’ve each put in.

As someone who has been married for 17 years I’ve found that there is no “fair share” in reality. Marriage and life ebbs and flows, sometimes I’ve contributed more money and less manual labor of cooking, cleaning etc, sometimes the opposite. The same for my husband. There are many things besides money that go into running a household.

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I've had an experience more like yours, Megan: My partner and I have combined finances, and we've taken turns being the higher earner. I appreciate the simplicity of combined finances, so we don't worry about who's contributing what. But I also know that sharing everything makes me (and either of us, but statistically *me*) vulnerable to staying in the relationship if it turns bad for fear of losing all my resources. We balance this by each having our own businesses, so I always have a store of money that's only in my name that I could walk away with.

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Thank you for sharing, Lisa. I spent five years in Blacksburg, so when I see, "Roanoke," the next thing that comes out of my mouth is, "the big city!" :)

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Combining our finances makes it so much easier to have joint goals and plans. We know what we are prioritising and work towards that. It's really helped me feel like a team and as others have said there are different periods in life where one of you had more income, health, time etc and cose versa.

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Thank you so much for sharing your story, Lisa, and for bravely following your heart no matter what the balance sheet says. It's always worth it in the end ❤️

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I have similar feelings after combining finances with my husband, he worked his butt of during his 20's and is in very good shape but now has an uncertain career future (stuck in a job he hates) while I'm going to grad school to do a career pivot that I hope means I'll be able to bring in the big bucks in the future. There is no easy answer for these things and even after we discuss over and over the same feelings will come back that I'm taking too much or he contributed so much more than me. To be clear, I'm working while in school but my salary is much less than his. I'm proud that you followed through with the job change and found happiness and then share with us <3

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This teared me up, especially the part where you wonder how you’ll care for your husband the way he has for you. There are many personal parallels for me here and reading about your journey made me wistful and hopeful all the same. I made a decision to leave the highest paying job of my professional career and now trying to define a new path and come to terms with what is enough, after a move out to the Berkshires mountains of Mass. I’m getting married next summer and all the expenses related to that made me panicked to go back into my prior industry but I’ve refused to the financial risk of depleting my healthy emergency funds and dipping into my taxable brokerage. I am reminding myself that the money will come despite all these changes and sending you the same good energy. Thanks so much for this piece.

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Thank you for sharing, Phuong! It sounds like we've had similar experiences, right down to panicking over wedding expenses. Sending you abundant wishes (and happy wedding ones too!).

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