Gemma Hartley’s brain has made an imprint on my life for nearly a decade, since she introduced my generation of (then) young women to the concept of emotional labor through her viral article for Harper’s Bazaar, “Women Aren’t Nags, We’re Just Fed Up.”
Her 2020 book Fed Up was the much-needed follow up, and her latest, No One Loves An Angry Woman: an Exvangelical Coming-of-Rage Story, continues to forward the cultural awakening we sorely need.
Through sharp writing and courageous self-reflection in her books, newsletter, freelance journalism, coaching and speaking, Gemma is inspiring women to see beyond the narrow path of womanhood handed to us by a Christian patriarchal culture and understand our ensuing rage as rational and useful.
I’m so proud to have Gemma here today to talk about her relationship with money — and how patriarchy, capitalism and anger impact our culture of money.
We have to talk about anger, obviously! You describe in your book a simmering anger, desire for vengeance, ability to lie to yourself, to “sew yourself together enough to function” that so many women experience in a world filled with injustices and fear. Given that so many people carry around unaddressed anger, I wonder: What role do you think anger plays in our relationships with money?
I think so many of us go through periods of “rage spending.” The world is burning, who knows if there’s even going to be a retirement or world worth saving for, so screw it, right? Anger and grief are very closely linked, so it makes sense that despair and dopamine spending go hand in hand.
I also notice a lot of my own anger around the stalled (and now declining) intergenerational economic progress that we’re facing. I look at the economic prosperity my parents had in the 80s and 90s and just ache for the ways that unchecked capitalism has stolen future generations’ ability to feel financially secure, let alone experience upward mobility. It feels like treading water — the effort to stay afloat is increasingly exhausting.
And the thing is, we know it doesn’t need to be this way! The greed of a few is robbing us all — not only of wages but of a safe, sustainable future. And I get especially angry because I understand why so many people are hoodwinked into defending this truly abhorrent economic disparity. It’s not just the cult of capitalism but also the legacy of the prosperity gospel that convinces working class people that there is such a thing as “earning” a billion dollars. (more on that below)
So yeah, I’ve got a lot of anger in me when it comes to our cultural relationship with money. But I think that’s a good thing, because it means I still believe there is capacity for change. There is a beautiful Cormac McCarthy quote from Stella Maris I think of at least weekly: “Rage is only for what you believe can be fixed. All the rest is grief.”
“Rage is only for what you believe can be fixed. All the rest is grief.” — Cormac McCarthy
What’s the most joyful thing you’ve done with money in the past six(ish) months?
I decided to go caretake for my brother and sister-in-law after the birth of their first child — cook, clean, hold the baby when they needed sleep. So I bought last minute tickets to be there as soon as they came home from the hospital, groceries to prepare meals and takeout they craved.
Every bit of time and money was spent joyfully. Getting to be there for my nephew’s first days was the most magical gift I have ever given myself (everyone acts like this was a very altruistic way to spend my time and money, but it was very much for selfish auntie reasons, too). Spend money on loving your people!
What messages did you get about money growing up? Which have you held onto and which have you let go?
I was raised to believe wealth was always the result of God’s blessing and Protestant work ethic. Since God doesn’t make mistakes, and capitalism is infallible, the wealth of billionaires must be deserved! You literally cannot reason with some of my family that they aren’t a little hard work away from the type of wealth they could not “earn” in multiple lifetimes. They might agree that certain tax loopholes should be closed, but never that the uberwealthy should be “unfairly” taxed more than the average Joe. Where trust in the system ends, faith in God covers the rest.
Like many evangelicals, I also spent many years being a burnt out Dave Ramsey devotee. If you are unfamiliar with this financial fraudster, I am so glad! His model for money management is one of extreme deprivation, shame and moral browbeating. (I wrote about it for Healthy Rich if you want to learn more!)
I’m sure you’ve gleaned by now that I have rejected all these messages, but that doesn’t mean I’m out of their grip completely. It has been a slow and difficult unlearning process. I still wrestle with scarcity fears around money, hustling to prove my worth and struggling to define “enough” for myself. But I no longer believe my money fears or failures make me a bad person, which is progress!
How do various facets of your identity impact your work and finances?
Because I grew up Evangelical (but also, just as a woman in our society), I let the prospect of motherhood start defining my career before I ever had one. For some women, this means stepping out of a career for a period of time and taking both the direct and long-term accumulated wage loss that comes along with that “choice.” For many others, it looks like becoming the default flex worker or stepping down significantly in your role so you can accommodate becoming the default caregiver.
This usually happens without discussion, because gendered norms are so entrenched. Taking the more flexible position or stepping away from your career looks like a choice, but with the way the mental load falls in most heterosexual relationships, it’s more of an assumed mandate. When our choices are limited or unsustainable, can we really call them choices at all?
I let the prospect of motherhood start defining my career before I ever had one.
While I absolutely love my work as a writer as well as the flexibility my job affords me (the time and freedom to up and be a postpartum doula for a while!) I also recognize that becoming a gig worker wasn’t necessarily a choice. It was deeply influenced by the conditioning I received growing up about what motherhood ought to look like, as well as the United State’s lack of social safety nets, affordable child care and paid parental leave that could have opened alternative doors for me.
What’s one financial decision that frequently causes you stress? How do you work through it?
Deciding how involved to be in my budget is a constant push and pull for me. It’s really hard for me to relinquish control and trust that I’m on solid financial ground. I carry a lot of emotional baggage from being on food stamps when my kids were young, and there’s a super-scarcity part of me that still feels like the rug could be pulled out from under me at any moment. It probably doesn’t help matters that I’ve chosen to continue freelance work, where paychecks are not guaranteed. And it definitely doesn’t help that there’s all that latent Dave Ramsey fearmongering rattling around in the recesses of my brain.
For many years, I tracked literally every single expense in a spreadsheet. I’m talking a $1.36 candy bar purchase at the gas station level of itemization. I still, admittedly, sometimes do this because neurotic habits die hard, but it’s rare for me to go through an overanalytic period now.
One of the best things I did to pull myself out of these unhealthy budget habits was to read You Don’t Need a Budget (and no, Dana is not bribing me in any way to say this) and start being an active member of the Healthy Rich community by commenting on the money dates.
Being in community with people who were money-minded in the way I wanted to be really fast-tracked my brain rewiring — to the point where I felt brave enough to do a budget-free summer. It was the first time in 20 years of adulthood that I went budgetless, and I continued without one through the end of that year. It helped me rebuild a lot of financial trust with myself!
Besides yours, which book or newsletter do you most recommend and why? Who is it best for?
I’m going to have to go with books here, because I am an inconsistent newsletter reader and writer (much as I try not to be):
Good Woman by Savala Nolan — If you love a great personal essay collection (think Roxane Gay’s Bad Feminist), this is the best one I’ve read in a decade, hands down.
The Ambition Penalty by Stefanie O’Connell — If you grew up with girl power/girlboss narratives, “Lean In” advice, and have noticed women are still always blamed when they can’t get ahead — this book is going to tell you exactly why.
Notice and Do by Sam Kelly — No shade to the many books on the mental load that have come out since I wrote Fed Up, but this is the first one that has actionable advice that actually works for shifting the balance and teaching kids how to carry the mental load.
God Is a Black Woman by Cristena Cleveland, Ph.D. — This is for anyone who has been harmed or othered by the theology of, as she puts it, whitemalegod. (Faithfully Dissident Daughters by Chelsea Kim Long and Mary Magdalene Revealed by Meggan Watterson are two other excellent books for reconstructing feminist faith — I find them very healing even though I no longer identify as Christian).
Instead of talking about the weather, what do you wish strangers would ask you about when you meet on the street?
I always want to know what books are on someone’s mind. Not the best book you’ve ever read, no one wants that kind of pressure, but the books that still have their claws in your brain and why.
I, for example, can’t stop thinking about Savala Nolan’s book Good Woman and the way she reimagines God as a mother, or the literal perfect ending of Emma Straub’s American Fantasy, or how precisely Weike Wang describes family tension within a marriage in The Rental House.
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Love, love, LOVE this. Didn’t grow up evangelical, but the rest of this is familiar ground to me, and I share the hatred of Dave Ramsey. I always say, “You cannot frugal yourself out of poverty.” If you could, I’d have done it!
I cannot relax about money because I frankly just don’t have enough. I aspire to have enough money to stop worrying constantly. It wouldn’t actually take that much more. I briefly reach that level sometimes and it’s an amazing and peaceful space to be in. I just can’t quite access it.
Understanding the structures that preserve economic inequality is the whole point of my work in Untrickled.
Very happy to read this piece today.
I think women have been trained for generations to turn anger into absolutely everything except anger.
We turn it into cleaning.
We turn it into “I’m fine.”
We turn it into baking something nobody asked for.
We turn it into reorganizing a cabinet at 11:47 p.m. while mentally prosecuting everyone who lives in the house. 😂
And heaven forbid a woman actually says, “I’m angry.”
Suddenly everyone acts like she has climbed onto the roof carrying a pitchfork.
Meanwhile, she has probably spent the previous seventeen years remembering birthdays, buying toilet paper, scheduling appointments, finding everyone’s missing belongings, noticing the dog needs food, knowing the milk is almost gone, and answering questions that could have been solved by OPENING A DRAWER.
Maybe anger isn’t the problem.
Maybe sometimes anger is simply your brain finally standing up in the meeting and saying, “I have several concerns.”
I love the idea of listening to it instead of immediately trying to make it prettier, quieter, sweeter, or more convenient.
At 65, I’m beginning to think women should come with a warning label:
May eventually stop saying “I’m fine.” Proceed accordingly. 😂