Having worked in financial services, I can say the best thing you can do for your children that costs you absolutely nothing, but could cost them much in their future, is to discuss money with them. How you earn it, how you save it, how you spend it and all the whys that go along with it. Why you shouldn't live beyond your means (recessions, layoffs, general market fuckery). Why a penny saved is a penny earned (compound interest, people)! While I, too, splurged on certain things for my son as he was growing up (trips, computer camp, LEGOS!!), when he decided to attend trade school because he wasn't interested in incurring 4-year debt, I knew I had given him something money could never buy. Foresight. He can go back to school later, as an adult, like I did, if he wishes to change careers at 40 (and maybe his employer will pay for it!) He may miss a frat party here or there, but he reasons frat parties shouldn't cost $100K for "the experience". The experience of being debt-free is all the buzz he needs. Talk to your kids about money. Without shame or apologies or excuses. Teach them the math of it. Facts, not feelings, when it comes to money. Also, do have fun, do splurge (within reason), and do hold them close!
Great advice! I'm so proud whenever he saves his allowance for the more expensive things he wants, and we've talked about money ever since he was old enough to understand what it is. One of the biggest lessons I try to teach him is that it's often about balance. Not "we can't afford this." But "if we spend money on this, we can't spend it on that." For example, if he spends his allowance now, he won't have it for that bigger Lego set he wants. That's also the main thing I try to keep in mind as a parent — is it more worthwhile to us to spend this money on this trip or this summer camp or save it for this other thing? Sometimes savings wins out. Sometimes the thing I know we'd regret not doing while he's still a kid wins out.
Sarah, OMG! This article was EVERYTHING! Similarly took a lower paying job with more flexibility to spend time with my kids when they were young and to be able to spend more time with them. Also, because practicing law was soul sucking and toxic.
As a child who grew up poor, very debt aversive as a first gen college and first gen lawyer, I refused to borrow or go into debt for my education. Granted, this was doable in the late 80s and early 90s. So much so that I opted not to go to Spain for study abroad because I would have to "borrow" money, still to this day, one of my biggest regrets. I'm almost 55 and still haven't been to Spain, but going for my 55th birthday this year. Anyhow, I digress.
Fast forward from college/law school me to mom in my 30s me and I invested so much money in my kids even when I had to take out credit card debt to ensure they followed their interests and hobbies. Both are really talented athletes and travel sports are so freaking expensive, they have priced themselves out of middle class households and I'm not talking squash, rowing or lacrosse. I'm talking basketball which has now become a year round sport. Fortunately, for my oldest, she was able to go to college for 2 years with no debt BUT then the pandemic hit and she went into a tail spin and lost her basketball scholarship. She thankfully graduated from a great state school, not where she started college but she graduated in 5.5 years with about $50k in debt. Which too many seems like a LOT for a bachelor's. Anyway, I'm digressing again.
The moral of the story is: SPEND THE MONEY ON YOUR KIDS! You can't get that time back. Mine are 24 and 18 now and it goes by fast. Once they hit 9, they're half way to 18. Indulge the hobbies and interests and passions. My daughter wrote a book at 6 or 7 and I never got it published. Still kicking myself about that because it probably could have paid for basketball or college, lol. Not really, but you never know where the spark is going to come from. I had so many interests at a child that growing up poor did not allow me to explore. As my next is emptying, I'm finally going to pursue my hobbies like traveling abroad. But, it's not nearly as fun when your knees and back ache. GREAT ARTICLE.
"But in the end, not doing the “smart” thing might be the smartest thing we do — because I’ve never once regretted spending the money."
I appreciate everything you shared here so much. As I keep working to heal from my own financial shame (it's getting so much better because of this space Dana's created here!), I have so, SO much gratitude for people bravely sharing their own stories, especially when they're able to really own them. No shame, no guilt, no regret. Just like you did here.
It's so helpful. Thank you for helping me, because this essay absolutely did.
I also worked part time while our kids grew up, so that there was some flexibility in our schedules. Definitely not a “smart“ money move, but the right one for our family since we had no family nearby. My in-laws retired at our age (never put their kids through college), but we’ll be working another ten years and don’t mind. The kids got to enjoy many activities (scouting, sports, travel) they otherwise wouldn’t have.
I adore this post. Gave me all the personal finance feels. I too agree with you and your brother, Sarah. I homeschool my kids while working a flexible lower paying job from home so I can be there for them. We have taken trips using our line of credit, and I have felt the cultural shame of those decisions, but at the end of the day, they only have one childhood and like you said, money comes and goes. Thank you so much for sharing this and writing this article. Love it so much.
Wow. I really didn’t know that I needed this, but I so did. I struggle with a lot of guilt over not having more savings and trying to save every penny I can, but this has really helped put things into a better perspective. Thank you.
Having worked in financial services, I can say the best thing you can do for your children that costs you absolutely nothing, but could cost them much in their future, is to discuss money with them. How you earn it, how you save it, how you spend it and all the whys that go along with it. Why you shouldn't live beyond your means (recessions, layoffs, general market fuckery). Why a penny saved is a penny earned (compound interest, people)! While I, too, splurged on certain things for my son as he was growing up (trips, computer camp, LEGOS!!), when he decided to attend trade school because he wasn't interested in incurring 4-year debt, I knew I had given him something money could never buy. Foresight. He can go back to school later, as an adult, like I did, if he wishes to change careers at 40 (and maybe his employer will pay for it!) He may miss a frat party here or there, but he reasons frat parties shouldn't cost $100K for "the experience". The experience of being debt-free is all the buzz he needs. Talk to your kids about money. Without shame or apologies or excuses. Teach them the math of it. Facts, not feelings, when it comes to money. Also, do have fun, do splurge (within reason), and do hold them close!
Great advice! I'm so proud whenever he saves his allowance for the more expensive things he wants, and we've talked about money ever since he was old enough to understand what it is. One of the biggest lessons I try to teach him is that it's often about balance. Not "we can't afford this." But "if we spend money on this, we can't spend it on that." For example, if he spends his allowance now, he won't have it for that bigger Lego set he wants. That's also the main thing I try to keep in mind as a parent — is it more worthwhile to us to spend this money on this trip or this summer camp or save it for this other thing? Sometimes savings wins out. Sometimes the thing I know we'd regret not doing while he's still a kid wins out.
Sarah, OMG! This article was EVERYTHING! Similarly took a lower paying job with more flexibility to spend time with my kids when they were young and to be able to spend more time with them. Also, because practicing law was soul sucking and toxic.
As a child who grew up poor, very debt aversive as a first gen college and first gen lawyer, I refused to borrow or go into debt for my education. Granted, this was doable in the late 80s and early 90s. So much so that I opted not to go to Spain for study abroad because I would have to "borrow" money, still to this day, one of my biggest regrets. I'm almost 55 and still haven't been to Spain, but going for my 55th birthday this year. Anyhow, I digress.
Fast forward from college/law school me to mom in my 30s me and I invested so much money in my kids even when I had to take out credit card debt to ensure they followed their interests and hobbies. Both are really talented athletes and travel sports are so freaking expensive, they have priced themselves out of middle class households and I'm not talking squash, rowing or lacrosse. I'm talking basketball which has now become a year round sport. Fortunately, for my oldest, she was able to go to college for 2 years with no debt BUT then the pandemic hit and she went into a tail spin and lost her basketball scholarship. She thankfully graduated from a great state school, not where she started college but she graduated in 5.5 years with about $50k in debt. Which too many seems like a LOT for a bachelor's. Anyway, I'm digressing again.
The moral of the story is: SPEND THE MONEY ON YOUR KIDS! You can't get that time back. Mine are 24 and 18 now and it goes by fast. Once they hit 9, they're half way to 18. Indulge the hobbies and interests and passions. My daughter wrote a book at 6 or 7 and I never got it published. Still kicking myself about that because it probably could have paid for basketball or college, lol. Not really, but you never know where the spark is going to come from. I had so many interests at a child that growing up poor did not allow me to explore. As my next is emptying, I'm finally going to pursue my hobbies like traveling abroad. But, it's not nearly as fun when your knees and back ache. GREAT ARTICLE.
I'm so glad you liked it! YES to all this. :) Have fun on your trip to Spain!
"But in the end, not doing the “smart” thing might be the smartest thing we do — because I’ve never once regretted spending the money."
I appreciate everything you shared here so much. As I keep working to heal from my own financial shame (it's getting so much better because of this space Dana's created here!), I have so, SO much gratitude for people bravely sharing their own stories, especially when they're able to really own them. No shame, no guilt, no regret. Just like you did here.
It's so helpful. Thank you for helping me, because this essay absolutely did.
I'm so touched and honored you found this helpful. You're very welcome. :)
I'm so grateful to Sarah for sharing her experience! We need more of people owning their financial decisions and experiences just like this.
I also worked part time while our kids grew up, so that there was some flexibility in our schedules. Definitely not a “smart“ money move, but the right one for our family since we had no family nearby. My in-laws retired at our age (never put their kids through college), but we’ll be working another ten years and don’t mind. The kids got to enjoy many activities (scouting, sports, travel) they otherwise wouldn’t have.
100% agree!
I adore this post. Gave me all the personal finance feels. I too agree with you and your brother, Sarah. I homeschool my kids while working a flexible lower paying job from home so I can be there for them. We have taken trips using our line of credit, and I have felt the cultural shame of those decisions, but at the end of the day, they only have one childhood and like you said, money comes and goes. Thank you so much for sharing this and writing this article. Love it so much.
Yes, we should definitely all let go of the shame. I'm so glad you loved it, and I'm glad I could share. :)
I love this post so much. Thank you for writing it.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Wow. I really didn’t know that I needed this, but I so did. I struggle with a lot of guilt over not having more savings and trying to save every penny I can, but this has really helped put things into a better perspective. Thank you.
I'm glad it helped!