Sometimes being a parent means breaking the ‘rules’ — my anti-budget approach to parenting

Writer Sarah Graves shares four “smart” money moves she’s foregone to give her son a childhood filled with meaningful memories

Several years before I had a kid of my own, I remember my brother saying something to me that was seared into my brain. We must have been discussing money management because my brother, a father of three, said, “Yeah, but that all goes out the window when you have kids. My daughter’s dance lessons are expensive. But if I wait, she’ll be grown, and her childhood will be over. Sometimes, you have to spend the money now, even when it doesn’t seem ‘smart.’”

I spent the first four years of my freelance career writing about personal finance. It forced me to become an expert on “smart” money moves. In fact, one of the reasons I chose personal finance was because I thought of myself as a financial screw-up, and I wanted to learn how to do better.

I’d borrowed multiple six figures to earn a Ph.D. just to work a job (teaching) that paid barely above minimum wage. Before I even graduated, I had to file for bankruptcy because I’d used credit cards to help pay for my living expenses while in grad school.

I was stuck with those unpayable student loans, because they’re not easily dischargeable in bankruptcy. I eventually got them forgiven through the Public Service Loan Forgiveness Program, and, to this day, I count myself lucky. If it weren’t for fixes to the program enacted by the Biden Administration, I’d still be stuck with that debt.

Why I’ve given up on making ‘smart’ money moves

Now, as the mother of a 9-year-old, I worry about my son, Parker’s, future. I came to understand, after taking over the student loan vertical at a publication, that my student loan “screw up” wasn’t all my fault, but partly the result of systemic issues in the higher-ed and student loan space.

So, one might expect I’d be frantically stocking Parker’s 529 college savings account so he won’t have to face astronomical student loan debt like I did. But the truth is there isn’t much left to put in there. So, I put our money elsewhere.

I’ve long understood that spending has an opportunity cost: If I spend money on “this,” I won’t have it for “that.” Because my husband and I don’t have a lot of disposable income, the opportunity cost of socking away money for the future is no less than my son’s childhood.

Those might sound like strong words, but it’s true what everyone says: “If you blink, you’ll miss it.” I didn’t understand how true that was until I became a mom myself. My son is already 9, and it feels like just yesterday he was a tiny baby in my arms. In just a few more years, he’ll be a teenager, working on becoming an adult.

And I don’t want those years to pass having not done what I could to fill them with memories, even if that means occasionally spending money we don’t have or making money moves that don’t seem “smart.”

Here are just a few of the money moves we’ve made that traditional personal finance would not approve of:

I chose a lower-paying job for the flexibility

I may have earned my Ph.D. to teach college, but that doesn’t mean I have to stay there. I could probably find many high-paying jobs with my doctorate. But I choose to keep teaching while freelancing on the side because it keeps my time flexible.

In my current position, I can take a day off whenever Parker gets sick or has a day off from school that doesn’t match my schedule. I can even teach from home or keep student appointments via Zoom if I need to. I’m also off every summer and winter break.

On the other hand, my husband, who works for corporate America, has a limited number of vacation, personal and sick days each year. So I stay at my low-paying job because it makes parenting easier for us, even though we often struggle financially.

I realize there is a certain degree of privilege in that decision, and it’s not an option many parents have. But it’s, fortunately, one we could make, and I’ve never regretted it. For me, the flexibility of being there for Parker is worth the trade-off of a higher income.

We don’t save for retirement

We contribute to my husband’s 401(k) so he can get the corporate match. But we’re under no illusions we — or even just he — could ever retire on it, and I don’t even have retirement savings. My job doesn’t provide that benefit, and I have no separate accounts. (My “retirement” plan is to keep writing until I can’t.)

So, instead of funding our retirement, we often raid my husband’s 401(k). Sometimes, it’s for seemingly “good” reasons like paying medical bills. But we’ve also taken out loans for family trips and vacations. If we hadn’t, my son might never have met his New York cousins, ridden to the top of the Empire State Building, or visited Legoland, a “life goal” of his.

I don’t regret this spending any more than I regret having put mine and my husband’s honeymoon on a credit card. It may sound corny, but money comes and goes; those memories are forever.

We forgo savings to spend money on our son’s interests

My son, like many kids, has a ton of interests, and sometimes those interests don’t feel at all affordable. But, just like my brother who didn’t regret funding my niece's dance lessons, it’s important to us that we support Parker’s interests as much as we’re able, even if it means forgoing savings.

Legos are one of Parker’s more expensive passions. He loves them so much that we gave up our dining room to bookshelves full of built Lego sets.

But I figure he’s practicing STEM skills and learning to save for what he wants. Although we don’t buy him every set he asks for, we add to his collection every birthday and Christmas. For the other sets he wants, he saves up his allowance until he has enough to buy them.

Our son also loves video games, but not just playing them. He likes to make his own games. So we’ve been sending him to coding camp in the summer. Because I’m a teacher, I’m home in the summers and we don’t need this for childcare. It’s an extra expense that can be a stretch. But he gets so much out of it that it’s worth it.

We took a big financial risk to fund my son’s dream

Storytelling is one of Parker’s biggest interests. Parker loves creating stories so much that he keeps notebooks full of his ideas. And I love that, as my husband also writes, we can all bond over this family activity.

Several years ago, when he had a hard time falling asleep because of the “scary” noises houses make at night, he came up with a silly story to explain what was causing all the sounds. “It’s monster pickles!” he claimed. Together we came up with a story that we turned into a children’s picture book — Attack of the Monster Pickles!

Initially, I sought traditional publishing because I knew the book was good. But it’s not unusual for querying to take three to 10 years, and Parker wasn’t getting any younger. He graduates from elementary school this year, and I really wanted him to have this book before he goes to middle school.

I decided to go with hybrid publishing, a middle ground between self-publishing and traditional that works on a much faster timeline. Opting for hybrid publishing meant we could have our book published in as little as six months.

The only drawback is that, unlike with a traditional publisher, we had to take on the investment. This was likely not a “smart” money move, especially because I put a significant amount of the cost on a credit card, and there’s no way to predict whether we’ll ever make our investment back. This is the risk a traditional publisher normally assumes.

But my son is so excited to watch his book come alive, and seeing how his eyes light up when they send us illustrations for approval is worth all the credit card interest.

Sometimes being a parent means breaking the ‘rules’

So, for us, sometimes parenting means breaking the “rules” and not making the so-called smart money move.

But in the end, not doing the “smart” thing might be the smartest thing we do — because I’ve never once regretted spending the money. But I know I would regret us missing out on his childhood.

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