Sometimes being a parent means breaking the ‘rules’ — my anti-budget approach to parenting
Writer Sarah Graves shares four “smart” money moves she’s foregone to give her son a childhood filled with meaningful memories
Several years before I had a kid of my own, I remember my brother saying something to me that was seared into my brain. We must have been discussing money management because my brother, a father of three, said, “Yeah, but that all goes out the window when you have kids. My daughter’s dance lessons are expensive. But if I wait, she’ll be grown, and her childhood will be over. Sometimes, you have to spend the money now, even when it doesn’t seem ‘smart.’”
I spent the first four years of my freelance career writing about personal finance. It forced me to become an expert on “smart” money moves. In fact, one of the reasons I chose personal finance was because I thought of myself as a financial screw-up, and I wanted to learn how to do better.
I’d borrowed multiple six figures to earn a Ph.D. just to work a job (teaching) that paid barely above minimum wage. Before I even graduated, I had to file for bankruptcy because I’d used credit cards to help pay for my living expenses while in grad school.
I was stuck with those unpayable student loans, because they’re not easily dischargeable in bankruptcy. I eventually got them forgiven through the Public Service Loan Forgiveness Program, and, to this day, I count myself lucky. If it weren’t for fixes to the program enacted by the Biden Administration, I’d still be stuck with that debt.
Why I’ve given up on making ‘smart’ money moves
Now, as the mother of a 9-year-old, I worry about my son, Parker’s, future. I came to understand, after taking over the student loan vertical at a publication, that my student loan “screw up” wasn’t all my fault, but partly the result of systemic issues in the higher-ed and student loan space.
So, one might expect I’d be frantically stocking Parker’s 529 college savings account so he won’t have to face astronomical student loan debt like I did. But the truth is there isn’t much left to put in there. So, I put our money elsewhere.
I’ve long understood that spending has an opportunity cost: If I spend money on “this,” I won’t have it for “that.” Because my husband and I don’t have a lot of disposable income, the opportunity cost of socking away money for the future is no less than my son’s childhood.
The opportunity cost of socking away money for the future is no less than my son’s childhood.
Those might sound like strong words, but it’s true what everyone says: “If you blink, you’ll miss it.” I didn’t understand how true that was until I became a mom myself. My son is already 9, and it feels like just yesterday he was a tiny baby in my arms. In just a few more years, he’ll be a teenager, working on becoming an adult.
And I don’t want those years to pass having not done what I could to fill them with memories, even if that means occasionally spending money we don’t have or making money moves that don’t seem “smart.”
Here are just a few of the money moves we’ve made that traditional personal finance would not approve of:
I chose a lower-paying job for the flexibility
I may have earned my Ph.D. to teach college, but that doesn’t mean I have to stay there. I could probably find many high-paying jobs with my doctorate. But I choose to keep teaching while freelancing on the side because it keeps my time flexible.
In my current position, I can take a day off whenever Parker gets sick or has a day off from school that doesn’t match my schedule. I can even teach from home or keep student appointments via Zoom if I need to. I’m also off every summer and winter break.
On the other hand, my husband, who works for corporate America, has a limited number of vacation, personal and sick days each year. So I stay at my low-paying job because it makes parenting easier for us, even though we often struggle financially.
I realize there is a certain degree of privilege in that decision, and it’s not an option many parents have. But it’s, fortunately, one we could make, and I’ve never regretted it. For me, the flexibility of being there for Parker is worth the trade-off of a higher income.
We don’t save for retirement
We contribute to my husband’s 401(k) so he can get the corporate match. But we’re under no illusions we — or even just he — could ever retire on it, and I don’t even have retirement savings. My job doesn’t provide that benefit, and I have no separate accounts. (My “retirement” plan is to keep writing until I can’t.)
So, instead of funding our retirement, we often raid my husband’s 401(k). Sometimes, it’s for seemingly “good” reasons like paying medical bills. But we’ve also taken out loans for family trips and vacations. If we hadn’t, my son might never have met his New York cousins, ridden to the top of the Empire State Building, or visited Legoland, a “life goal” of his.
I don’t regret this spending any more than I regret having put mine and my husband’s honeymoon on a credit card. It may sound corny, but money comes and goes; those memories are forever.
We forgo savings to spend money on our son’s interests
My son, like many kids, has a ton of interests, and sometimes those interests don’t feel at all affordable. But, just like my brother who didn’t regret funding my niece's dance lessons, it’s important to us that we support Parker’s interests as much as we’re able, even if it means forgoing savings.
Legos are one of Parker’s more expensive passions. He loves them so much that we gave up our dining room to bookshelves full of built Lego sets.
But I figure he’s practicing STEM skills and learning to save for what he wants. Although we don’t buy him every set he asks for, we add to his collection every birthday and Christmas. For the other sets he wants, he saves up his allowance until he has enough to buy them.
Our son also loves video games, but not just playing them. He likes to make his own games. So we’ve been sending him to coding camp in the summer. Because I’m a teacher, I’m home in the summers and we don’t need this for childcare. It’s an extra expense that can be a stretch. But he gets so much out of it that it’s worth it.
We took a big financial risk to fund my son’s dream
Storytelling is one of Parker’s biggest interests. Parker loves creating stories so much that he keeps notebooks full of his ideas. And I love that, as my husband also writes, we can all bond over this family activity.
Several years ago, when he had a hard time falling asleep because of the “scary” noises houses make at night, he came up with a silly story to explain what was causing all the sounds. “It’s monster pickles!” he claimed. Together we came up with a story that we turned into a children’s picture book — Attack of the Monster Pickles!
Initially, I sought traditional publishing because I knew the book was good. But it’s not unusual for querying to take three to 10 years, and Parker wasn’t getting any younger. He graduates from elementary school this year, and I really wanted him to have this book before he goes to middle school.
I decided to go with hybrid publishing, a middle ground between self-publishing and traditional that works on a much faster timeline. Opting for hybrid publishing meant we could have our book published in as little as six months.
The only drawback is that, unlike with a traditional publisher, we had to take on the investment. This was likely not a “smart” money move, especially because I put a significant amount of the cost on a credit card, and there’s no way to predict whether we’ll ever make our investment back. This is the risk a traditional publisher normally assumes.
But my son is so excited to watch his book come alive, and seeing how his eyes light up when they send us illustrations for approval is worth all the credit card interest.
Sometimes being a parent means breaking the ‘rules’
So, for us, sometimes parenting means breaking the “rules” and not making the so-called smart money move.
But in the end, not doing the “smart” thing might be the smartest thing we do — because I’ve never once regretted spending the money. But I know I would regret us missing out on his childhood.
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Having worked in financial services, I can say the best thing you can do for your children that costs you absolutely nothing, but could cost them much in their future, is to discuss money with them. How you earn it, how you save it, how you spend it and all the whys that go along with it. Why you shouldn't live beyond your means (recessions, layoffs, general market fuckery). Why a penny saved is a penny earned (compound interest, people)! While I, too, splurged on certain things for my son as he was growing up (trips, computer camp, LEGOS!!), when he decided to attend trade school because he wasn't interested in incurring 4-year debt, I knew I had given him something money could never buy. Foresight. He can go back to school later, as an adult, like I did, if he wishes to change careers at 40 (and maybe his employer will pay for it!) He may miss a frat party here or there, but he reasons frat parties shouldn't cost $100K for "the experience". The experience of being debt-free is all the buzz he needs. Talk to your kids about money. Without shame or apologies or excuses. Teach them the math of it. Facts, not feelings, when it comes to money. Also, do have fun, do splurge (within reason), and do hold them close!
Sarah, OMG! This article was EVERYTHING! Similarly took a lower paying job with more flexibility to spend time with my kids when they were young and to be able to spend more time with them. Also, because practicing law was soul sucking and toxic.
As a child who grew up poor, very debt aversive as a first gen college and first gen lawyer, I refused to borrow or go into debt for my education. Granted, this was doable in the late 80s and early 90s. So much so that I opted not to go to Spain for study abroad because I would have to "borrow" money, still to this day, one of my biggest regrets. I'm almost 55 and still haven't been to Spain, but going for my 55th birthday this year. Anyhow, I digress.
Fast forward from college/law school me to mom in my 30s me and I invested so much money in my kids even when I had to take out credit card debt to ensure they followed their interests and hobbies. Both are really talented athletes and travel sports are so freaking expensive, they have priced themselves out of middle class households and I'm not talking squash, rowing or lacrosse. I'm talking basketball which has now become a year round sport. Fortunately, for my oldest, she was able to go to college for 2 years with no debt BUT then the pandemic hit and she went into a tail spin and lost her basketball scholarship. She thankfully graduated from a great state school, not where she started college but she graduated in 5.5 years with about $50k in debt. Which too many seems like a LOT for a bachelor's. Anyway, I'm digressing again.
The moral of the story is: SPEND THE MONEY ON YOUR KIDS! You can't get that time back. Mine are 24 and 18 now and it goes by fast. Once they hit 9, they're half way to 18. Indulge the hobbies and interests and passions. My daughter wrote a book at 6 or 7 and I never got it published. Still kicking myself about that because it probably could have paid for basketball or college, lol. Not really, but you never know where the spark is going to come from. I had so many interests at a child that growing up poor did not allow me to explore. As my next is emptying, I'm finally going to pursue my hobbies like traveling abroad. But, it's not nearly as fun when your knees and back ache. GREAT ARTICLE.