‘I have yet to figure out how to make enough money and also have wellbeing’
Being an auntie, working with chronic illness and benefiting from white privilege, with education researcher Lisa Sibbett
Aside from “writer,” probably the title I’m most proud to carry is “auntie.” From seeing my oldest step-nephew grow into an actual man, to the birth of my sister’s first child, through years of foster children and three adoptions, to family celebrations surrounded by an ever growing gaggle of tiny humans, I’m delighted to have opportunities to connect with children despite having none of my own.
I also know the term auntie has a broad meaning beyond “parent’s sister,” as well as a rich and complicated history, especially in African and Black American cultures. I’m only an auntie to my sisters’ kids, but many women are aunties to children in their communities far outside of their bloodline. Either way, it’s a profound position of love and responsibility to step into as a childfree woman.
honors this unique relationship through her newsletter . Lisa has no children of her own, but she’s an involved Auntie to several, and she applies her expertise as an educational researcher to explore the complexities of being significantly invested in raising other peoples’ kids, whether as an auntie or something else, like a grandparent, step parent, foster parent, childcare provider or educator.I asked Lisa to share a little about the financial implications of all children being “our” children, as well as about her personal relationship with money.
Our conversation has been edited lightly for brevity.
We know raising kids comes with a litany of costs (and little support in the U.S.). Do you experience a related financial load as an Auntie helping raise someone else’s kids? How does this kind of relationship intersect with your finances?
My partner and I live in a small co-housing community with two other households, including one household with two kids who are a huge part of my daily life, and this is where the majority of the financial impact comes — to my partner and my benefit, mostly. Our households don’t share any finances directly, but we own a lot of resources in common — stuff like a lawnmower, power tools, a chest freezer. We share our internet. Our community Instant Pot is in heavy rotation. We all eat together four to five nights per week, and we take turns cooking, so our food costs wind up being shared, as well. If someone’s car is broken, there’s always a car to borrow.
Overall, living in co-housing saves us money. These costs aren’t directly related to childrearing, but they certainly impact the kids I interact with the most, both in terms of what they can access day to day, and in terms of having a strong model of grownups sharing.
I do spend a little money to always have kid-friendly snacks on hand: popsicles, string cheese, apples, avocados, tortillas, refried beans.
I guess I do spend a little money to always have kid-friendly snacks on hand: popsicles, string cheese, apples, avocados, tortillas, refried beans. Since I’m frequently cooking for kids, I need to have go-to substitutes when a child decides they don’t eat chile verde or whatever I’m making. But that expense is negligible, not worth mentioning when compared to the cost of raising kids in a country with so few social safety nets for families.
What’s the most joyful thing you’ve done with money in the past six(ish) months?
Every March my partner and I take a long-ish vacation to the Bahía de Banderas region of Mexico, along the coast of Jalisco and Nayarit. This year we were there for three weeks. Our friends and their kids joined us for the first week, and another friend visited later in the trip. Our favorite town is Bucerías, a quiet spot that’s popular with Canadian retirees, about half an hour north of Puerto Vallarta. We’ve been going there long enough to know our way around, recognize some friendly faces, and have a lot of favorite restaurants. I never studied Spanish in school, but I enthusiastically bungle my way through as many conversations en español as possible when we’re there. I’m proud of how much I’ve learned.
I also spend a lot of time watching humpback whales from the shore, and we like to go whale watching by boat, as well. We’ve gone a few times with a young guy who operates his own whale watching tour boat, knows a ton about whales and other marine life, and clearly loves what he does. He has a mic that he drops down into the water so you can listen to the whales’ vocalizations. It’s magical.
What messages did you get about money growing up? Which have you held onto and which have you let go?
When I was growing up, my family's financial situation was volatile — very boom and bust. My dad has never cared much about his actual earnings, which has always meant that sometimes his small business earns a lot and other times he winds up deep in the red. But regardless of what was happening with my parents' finances when I was a kid, they always made sure we had enough. We never went hungry, we always had new clothes for school and we went on plenty of family trips — often inexpensive ones, like camping. My upbringing taught me to assume that even if I'm broke or in debt, I'll probably be OK. I’m grateful for this perspective as an adult, especially right now as I’ve been dealing with chronic illness for over a year and haven’t been able to work as much as I think I should.
My upbringing taught me to assume that even if I'm broke or in debt, I'll probably be OK.
I also learned from both my parents, but especially my mom, to be pretty frugal. My partner is extremely frugal, so I feel profligate in comparison to him — but compared to many other people, I don’t spend much money. My mother is the kind of person who, when she goes to the store, buys only what’s on her list. She often says, “There’s nothing here I can’t live without.” My mom is awesome and I admire her immensely, so I’m always trying to live up to her example. But actually, I want to be fine with making an impulse purchase from time to time. Reading Healthy Rich has been good encouragement for me in that department.
How do various facets of your identity impact your work and finances?
I am somewhat precariously employed currently, and have no clear financial plan for the future, but my needs are nevertheless abundantly met and will probably stay that way. This is because I’m a middle class white woman with access to generational wealth, long-term disability insurance, and plenty of credit if I need it. Both of my grandfathers went to college on the G.I. Bill, which was available to white WWII veterans, but not Black ones. For that matter, both my grandmothers and some of my great-grandmothers also went to college.
I grew up in a majority non-Native town on a Native American reservation, which, believe it or not, is a thing. In the case of my hometown, a mid-19th century treaty allotted land to Tribal elders who were then deemed incompetent to own land, due to not speaking English. Other such outrages also occurred to transfer land ownership to white people, and the upshot is that I grew up on what was very clearly Native land.
A couple of years ago, I met a woman, roughly my age, whose ancestor was allotted the exact piece of land on which I grew up and where my parents still live. It’s hard to express what that was like, what that is like, to personally know a person whose family would likely still reside on the land you grew up on, if it hadn’t been stolen from them. But that’s actually the reality all of us non-Native people in the United States live with — it’s just usually not quite so in-your-face. For what it’s worth, for the past few years I’ve been doing some community organizing and helping to advocate for Land Return in the area where I grew up. I’ve learned this work is incredibly complex on both an interpersonal and a political level, and slow, patient relationship-building is key.
I could go on about the ways I’ve benefited unfairly, as a middle class white woman, from other groups’ exploitation and dispossession. The list is long for people like me.
In my work, a big reason I’m interested in our responsibilities to other people’s children is that I think — I hope — this issue might allow us to cultivate a more just and equitable future without having to get quite so involved in culture wars. I care a lot about racial and social justice, but I tend to avoid using those terms because I want to be able to connect with anyone who cares about the world our kids are going to inherit, regardless of what news channel they watch.
Reproduction, children and education are at the center of some major cultural conflicts in our society right now, of course, but when we’re not talking specifically about reproductive freedoms, transgender youth, childless cat ladies or Critical Race Theory, I think it’s still possible to talk about kids without getting into a flamewar.
I believe most people want the children in their lives to grow up safe, to have their basic needs met, to be able to trust their neighbors, to not have to hustle without ceasing.
I believe most people want the children in their lives to grow up safe, to have their basic needs met, to be able to trust their neighbors, to not have to hustle without ceasing. By appealing to those shared values, those shared hopes, maybe we start building more just communities on a hyperlocal level, and then that might help create the conditions for politicians to act with more courage around issues like climate justice, gun control, reproductive rights, social safety nets for kids and families, and so on.
What’s one financial decision that frequently causes you stress? How do you work through it?
At age 44, I have yet to figure out how to make enough money and also have wellbeing. In my life I’ve had many wonderful jobs that paid dismally, and two stressful jobs that paid well but badly exacerbated my chronic illness. I’m only able to work part time right now, and I’m cobbling together a few of those aforementioned wonderful, low-paying jobs. One of these is The Auntie Bulletin, which I love writing, but which takes a ton of time and earns very little. I have no long-term financial plan, no idea how I’ll manage to save enough for retirement. I guess the financial decision at issue here is the one I have to recommit to every day: to continue to prioritize my health over my finances. But it’s scary and I stress about it a lot.
I have yet to figure out how to make enough money and also have wellbeing.
My coping strategy is twofold. First, I think about the many safety nets that are there to catch me, both for the ugly reason that I’m a white person who has benefited from racist policies and generational wealth, and for the beautiful reason that a lot of people love me. I may not be investing much in a 401(k) at the moment, but I am actively investing in building interdependent, intergenerational networks of care and support. I will probably be OK.
Second, I cultivate courage. I tell myself that, by saying no to work that makes me sick and miserable, by staying on a path that brings me joy and meaning, I am taking what a wise friend once described as “a leap of faith in myself.” Maybe The Auntie Bulletin will start generating not only meaningful community and connection (we’re on track on that front!), but also meaningful income. Maybe a work opportunity will arise that compensates me well and allows me to take care of my body. I can’t know what will happen. Thanks to the aforementioned safety nets, I’m able to wait and see for the time being.
Besides yours, what culture or parenting newsletter do you most recommend and why? Who is it best for?
For parenting newsletters, there are so many great ones. Even though I don’t have kids, I always open and read
’s beautiful newsletter , as well as ’s , the anti-diet parenting newsletter , ’s and ’s .But I want to say a little more about a parenting newsletter I came across just recently,
’s . Martinko describes this as a newsletter about digital minimalism and curbing kids’ screen time, and honestly the description initially put me off. There’s so much judgment out there about caregivers’ strategies for getting through the day with their kids, and they just don’t need that.However, Martinko’s newsletter is just brimming with wise guidance on how to relate to children when they’re not on a screen. There’s a refreshing amount of advice on sending kids outside, expecting them to entertain themselves and tolerate boredom, and teaching them to skillfully navigate peer conflict.
In the “culture” category, I really appreciate
’s newsletter . La Tray is the current Poet Laureate for Montana, and he describes his newsletter as “thoughts from a crabby middle-aged Native guy with plenty of meandering, often contrary, regularly hypocritical, and occasionally self-contradictory ideas about the world.” He’s also got a new memoir out, Becoming Little Shell.Instead of talking about the weather, what do you wish strangers would ask you about when you meet on the street?
I actually really like talking about our ailments and how we’re dealing with them. So many of us have to manage our bodies’ infirmity in a relentless, everyday way, and if we’re lucky enough to grow old, eventually all of us will have that experience.
To take care of my own body’s infirmities, the absolute best thing I’ve found is regular, vigorous water aerobics. This means I’m at the public pool during open adult swim several days a week, and let me tell you, it is a beautiful civic space. I live in the Pacific Northwest where very few homes have pools, so people from all walks of life end up at the community center swimming pool. Many or most of us have disabilities or are elderly, a few are pregnant, and all of us are grappling with the brute reality that our bodies don’t stay the way we want them to.
It’s been literally life-changing for me to spend a lot of time around others who are also forced to hold their mortality in view, and who are happy to chat about it with pragmatism and humor.
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Thank you for the kind shout-out! I am so happy to hear you're enjoying The Analog Family—and I'm going to rethink my newsletter description because I certainly do not want to turn anyone off! That's a valuable insight, so much appreciated :)
Thanks for the wonderful Q&A, Dana!