Such an interesting conversation. I did change my name when I got married but a big part of that was that I didn’t particularly like my last name. Now we’re divorced but my kids have his name and I still don’t like my old one, so I’ve kept it for now. I’m thinking about changing it completely to my mother’s maiden name, but the admin around that is off putting so have said I’ll do that when they’re 18. I also would never remarry and never take someone’s name again! Hindsight!
Yes to hindsight! I changed my last name when I married, too, and I didn't change back to my maiden name when I divorced. I did change it years later, and the admin was frustrating.
I didn't like my old name either so I'm glad to have the same last name as the rest of the family for now, but yeah I am a very different person than I was 20 years ago!
I hated my old name and wanted “our little family” to share a name. What I really wanted was to combine our names into a new one. But I capitulated because that was “weird.”
I wish I’d held my ground. He would have been okay with me keeping my name, but also preferred a family name. He said it was too much work for us to make a new one—not thinking about all the work I needed to do.
Even the best men have a hard time breaking through that “but this is what society says” bullshit.
Please forgive the typos. My phone keeps adding words and I don’t notice until I’ve posted.
This is a great conversation. I am also from Wisconsin and I am 36. I got married when I was 33, almost 34. My husband is from the Netherlands, and I have also lived in Europe since 2013. We are some of the only couples in our friend groups who are married. We got married because we wanted to; neither one of my husband's parents are remarried, but they have both been in their current partnerships for almost 2 decades. I didn't change my name when I got married and my husband didn't ask permission. My dad did walk me down the aisle to my suprise (but that was something he wanted to do and it wasn't the feminist hill I was going to die upon.) I love being married to my husband because I love our partnership, perhaps even more so because it is so easy in many European countries to simply do a civil union (which many argue is "almost the same thing,") but many folks associate marriage with the church (I do not.)
I think I am so okay with my choices because I made them when I was older. I love what we are building together, and I while I don't identify as a "wife," I love being my husband's wife and being married to him. Thanks for the discourse!
This is lovely! I think you’re right about feeling better about those choices you make when you’re older. You’re able to put so much more thought and conviction behind them than the choices we make as young adults, when we’re still so driven by what our families and communities of origin expect of us.
I couldn’t finish reading the article before writing this, I promise I’ll go back to it.
It’s my first day on substack, and I’m so happy to have found you. Subscribing right away. I write about money, mindset, having the audacity to live life on your own terms by sharing my lived experiences.
This is the best articulation I've read of why I, too, am opposed to being a wife. Like you say, I can't just be 'a wife', but specifically, my partner's wife - for all the assurances that we're past the traditional implications of ownership, I can't help but feel that those strings are still there, just less openly visible.
I am inherently suspicious of the marriage mousetrap, and would rather actively choose to be where I am every single day, instead of risking a sense of obligation because I signed a legal agreement that comes with expensive financial consequences.
I always figured that if I married, it'd be later in life. Then was I was 19 I fell in love with an Englishman. After 3 years of indeterminate but devoted long distance, it was break up or get married, so I was a child bride when I was 22. (To be clear, he was also a baby at 24!) We had 2 kids in our early 30s, by which time we were a much more normal age to be married, but I have always wondered how (and why) people decide to get married when it isn't for immigration purposes. I don't regret getting married at all and my husband is an exceptional man, and yet that very early marriage has come to represent a lot that I missed out on. It's tough to only get to live one life.
I think I'd probably do differently if I was starting over now too. I'm curious what you might recommend to a non married couple where they each have very different incomes. My sister makes so much less than her partner and she has a diagnosed disability that will get worse every year. She's a hair stylist and doesn't have sick time. My mom and I wish she'd find a different job even a lesser paying job or apply for disability (it would be difficult but I know she'd qualify), but her partner doesn't want any break in her income because of their lifestyle expectations. It's frustrating to watch.
Oof, this is so hard to manage. I know receiving disability benefits is hard for some folks because of the severe income restrictions; if she wants to work, that can be really tough.
It’s also hard to navigate money/work conversations with your partner if you’re not on the same page about managing money. I can’t tell from your comment whether or not your sister wants to work/earn less, or if that’s what you and your mom want for her? Maybe she and her and her partner are on the same page?
Since you mentioned they’re unmarried, I’ll add that, in my case, not being married has been helpful for getting access to benefits, because only one income is considered. The only challenge I anticipate for the future is Social Security survivor benefits, which only a spouse can claim.
I got married for the first time when I was older than you are now after nine years together. I had been in many serious relationships and been engaged too many times but was always afraid of something. Not being married does give a sense of freedom, of being a self intact within a partnership.
“A self intact within a partnership” is a perfect way to describe it! Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m always fascinated by people who are engaged indefinitely until they eventually break up. I can see how I might have found myself in that place if I hadn’t immediately told my partner I don’t want to be me married.
I've always had an aversion to marriage (which is, in part, what led me to platonic co-parenting), but have rarely been able to explain it so well as this. Thank you for eloquently explaining how an institution's narratives can be calcified enough to prevent us from rewriting its scripts
Thank you for posting this! It mirrors many of my thoughts - I’m 13 years into a relationship and love my partner but have such a visceral (negative) reaction to the idea of being a bride or wife, and have no plan to get married. It can be hard to explain sometimes, so really appreciate your perspective.
I’m curious if you’ve ever thought about getting legal documents done up to secure some of the benefits that married people get, like power of attorney/medical rights, etc. That’s something I keep meaning to think about.
Such an interesting conversation. I did change my name when I got married but a big part of that was that I didn’t particularly like my last name. Now we’re divorced but my kids have his name and I still don’t like my old one, so I’ve kept it for now. I’m thinking about changing it completely to my mother’s maiden name, but the admin around that is off putting so have said I’ll do that when they’re 18. I also would never remarry and never take someone’s name again! Hindsight!
Yes to hindsight! I changed my last name when I married, too, and I didn't change back to my maiden name when I divorced. I did change it years later, and the admin was frustrating.
I didn't like my old name either so I'm glad to have the same last name as the rest of the family for now, but yeah I am a very different person than I was 20 years ago!
I hated my old name and wanted “our little family” to share a name. What I really wanted was to combine our names into a new one. But I capitulated because that was “weird.”
I wish I’d held my ground. He would have been okay with me keeping my name, but also preferred a family name. He said it was too much work for us to make a new one—not thinking about all the work I needed to do.
Even the best men have a hard time breaking through that “but this is what society says” bullshit.
Please forgive the typos. My phone keeps adding words and I don’t notice until I’ve posted.
This is a great conversation. I am also from Wisconsin and I am 36. I got married when I was 33, almost 34. My husband is from the Netherlands, and I have also lived in Europe since 2013. We are some of the only couples in our friend groups who are married. We got married because we wanted to; neither one of my husband's parents are remarried, but they have both been in their current partnerships for almost 2 decades. I didn't change my name when I got married and my husband didn't ask permission. My dad did walk me down the aisle to my suprise (but that was something he wanted to do and it wasn't the feminist hill I was going to die upon.) I love being married to my husband because I love our partnership, perhaps even more so because it is so easy in many European countries to simply do a civil union (which many argue is "almost the same thing,") but many folks associate marriage with the church (I do not.)
I think I am so okay with my choices because I made them when I was older. I love what we are building together, and I while I don't identify as a "wife," I love being my husband's wife and being married to him. Thanks for the discourse!
This is lovely! I think you’re right about feeling better about those choices you make when you’re older. You’re able to put so much more thought and conviction behind them than the choices we make as young adults, when we’re still so driven by what our families and communities of origin expect of us.
Dana, can I give you a hug?
I couldn’t finish reading the article before writing this, I promise I’ll go back to it.
It’s my first day on substack, and I’m so happy to have found you. Subscribing right away. I write about money, mindset, having the audacity to live life on your own terms by sharing my lived experiences.
Happy to connect here! Thank you so much for following. And, yes, I’m always here for a hug 🤗🤗 Great to e-meet you, Kavya!
This is the best articulation I've read of why I, too, am opposed to being a wife. Like you say, I can't just be 'a wife', but specifically, my partner's wife - for all the assurances that we're past the traditional implications of ownership, I can't help but feel that those strings are still there, just less openly visible.
I am inherently suspicious of the marriage mousetrap, and would rather actively choose to be where I am every single day, instead of risking a sense of obligation because I signed a legal agreement that comes with expensive financial consequences.
Thank you! Good to know I’m not the only one :)
I despise how much American women rush to drop their original last name when they get married.
I always figured that if I married, it'd be later in life. Then was I was 19 I fell in love with an Englishman. After 3 years of indeterminate but devoted long distance, it was break up or get married, so I was a child bride when I was 22. (To be clear, he was also a baby at 24!) We had 2 kids in our early 30s, by which time we were a much more normal age to be married, but I have always wondered how (and why) people decide to get married when it isn't for immigration purposes. I don't regret getting married at all and my husband is an exceptional man, and yet that very early marriage has come to represent a lot that I missed out on. It's tough to only get to live one life.
It’s tough, indeed! Well said.
I think I'd probably do differently if I was starting over now too. I'm curious what you might recommend to a non married couple where they each have very different incomes. My sister makes so much less than her partner and she has a diagnosed disability that will get worse every year. She's a hair stylist and doesn't have sick time. My mom and I wish she'd find a different job even a lesser paying job or apply for disability (it would be difficult but I know she'd qualify), but her partner doesn't want any break in her income because of their lifestyle expectations. It's frustrating to watch.
Oof, this is so hard to manage. I know receiving disability benefits is hard for some folks because of the severe income restrictions; if she wants to work, that can be really tough.
It’s also hard to navigate money/work conversations with your partner if you’re not on the same page about managing money. I can’t tell from your comment whether or not your sister wants to work/earn less, or if that’s what you and your mom want for her? Maybe she and her and her partner are on the same page?
Since you mentioned they’re unmarried, I’ll add that, in my case, not being married has been helpful for getting access to benefits, because only one income is considered. The only challenge I anticipate for the future is Social Security survivor benefits, which only a spouse can claim.
I got married for the first time when I was older than you are now after nine years together. I had been in many serious relationships and been engaged too many times but was always afraid of something. Not being married does give a sense of freedom, of being a self intact within a partnership.
“A self intact within a partnership” is a perfect way to describe it! Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m always fascinated by people who are engaged indefinitely until they eventually break up. I can see how I might have found myself in that place if I hadn’t immediately told my partner I don’t want to be me married.
I've always had an aversion to marriage (which is, in part, what led me to platonic co-parenting), but have rarely been able to explain it so well as this. Thank you for eloquently explaining how an institution's narratives can be calcified enough to prevent us from rewriting its scripts
Thank you for posting this! It mirrors many of my thoughts - I’m 13 years into a relationship and love my partner but have such a visceral (negative) reaction to the idea of being a bride or wife, and have no plan to get married. It can be hard to explain sometimes, so really appreciate your perspective.
I’m curious if you’ve ever thought about getting legal documents done up to secure some of the benefits that married people get, like power of attorney/medical rights, etc. That’s something I keep meaning to think about.