I have a wonderful husband - we married late in life and he has 3 "adult" children. I have none. I use quotes because 2 of them are approaching 40 and still live in his house rent-free. They don't pay for repairs, taxes, insurance....nothing. This house is 50 years old! This is absurdly codependent to me. He moved into my house which we are still paying for as well as 2 car payments etc. We have many expenses, and he still works FT at 69. I have brought it up numerous times. If you were me would you insist that he start charging them at least $1000 a month to cover the cost of the home? How would you approach this sensitive topic? We have no financial goals and that bothers me as well.
Yeah, this is heavy! It’s not just about money, it’s about boundaries, roles, and what partnership means for the two of you. I’d start by reframing the conversation away from “charging rent” and toward a shared vision or what you both want for yourselves now and in the future. Sit down together and say something like, “I want us to have a future we’re both excited about. I feel like we’re carrying more than we should, and part of that is supporting adult kids who can be contributing.” This is not a punishment. It’s about sustainability and fairness to each other and your family. Again, discuss the future you want together. Then, work backward to what needs to change. This is hard, but necessary work. I hop you get there and thanks for the question.
How do money conversations change when you're both older? A lot of advice is written towards younger newly married couples starting out, but what about when you are both just short of retirement?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us in this interview! I echo Susan B’s question above, but in my case, my husband did not grow up in the US, so he just does not have the same system knowledge that I have, having grown up in the US in a financially-educated family.
How do you decide what is couple money and what is your own? I spend more freely than my husband and it adds up at the end of the year. We always make sure to have enough to cover our expenses and saving goals, so both having different levels of monthly expenses and reducing the amount I spend for pleasure feel icky. I tried forcing him to spend more, but it doesn't work!
It's Doug. I am not sure there is a problem here. If your bills are being paid, you are on pace to meet your financial goals, and your husband is okay with everything, I say keep doing what you're doing and enjoy. Maybe he doesn't need to spend for pleasure like you do, and that's okay. It's worth checking in with him and having a conversation around it so you can ensure that you're truly meeting all your joint financial goals. There's a really good chance that doing so will make you feel better.
Like Storm and Susan, my husband had less experience with personal finance growing up than I. He is an emotional spender and it really affects him whenever I mention our budget. Even when I say we're on-track with our spending, he tends to splurge. When I suggest he ease back a little, he clams up to his own detriment — skipping lunch, eating less at home, declining good opportunities, etc. He gets overwhelmed when I try to break down our expenses with him. Nowadays, we don't discuss the budget unless I need him to pay toward something.
Right now, I keep all of our finance info in a meticulous Excel spreadsheet. Could it be that I need to give him access to this info some other way? Or is this just a matter of improving our communication in general?
Hi Benjamin! This is something Heather and I see all the time. Emotional spending and financial avoidance usually come from deeper money stories, not bad habits. If a spreadsheet feels like a control tool instead of a shared system, it might be time to shift how the information is presented and when it’s discussed. How does your husband like to learn and engage? I bet it's no in Excel. A lot of people don't want to start with numbers and spreadsheets. It can be a quick ticket to not having the convo at all. Maybe start the convo with what's working, or what you're doing well. Take a W first. Maybe instead of spending, you talk about a goal you both want to accomplish and back your way into the discussion about numbers. I hope this helps!
My partner and I both had prior long-term relationships before we got together 5 years ago. How do we let go of our "old ways" of doing things (which were ENTIRELY opposite!) and learn to forge a new way of relating to our money?
Interested in this! In our marriage I grew up with a lot more financial education than my spouse and it’s difficult to help remedy without feeling condescending.
We loved your questions, Dana, and are just so grateful to share this space with your readers today!
I have a wonderful husband - we married late in life and he has 3 "adult" children. I have none. I use quotes because 2 of them are approaching 40 and still live in his house rent-free. They don't pay for repairs, taxes, insurance....nothing. This house is 50 years old! This is absurdly codependent to me. He moved into my house which we are still paying for as well as 2 car payments etc. We have many expenses, and he still works FT at 69. I have brought it up numerous times. If you were me would you insist that he start charging them at least $1000 a month to cover the cost of the home? How would you approach this sensitive topic? We have no financial goals and that bothers me as well.
Yeah, this is heavy! It’s not just about money, it’s about boundaries, roles, and what partnership means for the two of you. I’d start by reframing the conversation away from “charging rent” and toward a shared vision or what you both want for yourselves now and in the future. Sit down together and say something like, “I want us to have a future we’re both excited about. I feel like we’re carrying more than we should, and part of that is supporting adult kids who can be contributing.” This is not a punishment. It’s about sustainability and fairness to each other and your family. Again, discuss the future you want together. Then, work backward to what needs to change. This is hard, but necessary work. I hop you get there and thanks for the question.
How do money conversations change when you're both older? A lot of advice is written towards younger newly married couples starting out, but what about when you are both just short of retirement?
One way is how your appetites and capacity for risk change over time. We address that point specifically in the section on risk in our book!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us in this interview! I echo Susan B’s question above, but in my case, my husband did not grow up in the US, so he just does not have the same system knowledge that I have, having grown up in the US in a financially-educated family.
How do you decide what is couple money and what is your own? I spend more freely than my husband and it adds up at the end of the year. We always make sure to have enough to cover our expenses and saving goals, so both having different levels of monthly expenses and reducing the amount I spend for pleasure feel icky. I tried forcing him to spend more, but it doesn't work!
It's Doug. I am not sure there is a problem here. If your bills are being paid, you are on pace to meet your financial goals, and your husband is okay with everything, I say keep doing what you're doing and enjoy. Maybe he doesn't need to spend for pleasure like you do, and that's okay. It's worth checking in with him and having a conversation around it so you can ensure that you're truly meeting all your joint financial goals. There's a really good chance that doing so will make you feel better.
Like Storm and Susan, my husband had less experience with personal finance growing up than I. He is an emotional spender and it really affects him whenever I mention our budget. Even when I say we're on-track with our spending, he tends to splurge. When I suggest he ease back a little, he clams up to his own detriment — skipping lunch, eating less at home, declining good opportunities, etc. He gets overwhelmed when I try to break down our expenses with him. Nowadays, we don't discuss the budget unless I need him to pay toward something.
Right now, I keep all of our finance info in a meticulous Excel spreadsheet. Could it be that I need to give him access to this info some other way? Or is this just a matter of improving our communication in general?
Hi Benjamin! This is something Heather and I see all the time. Emotional spending and financial avoidance usually come from deeper money stories, not bad habits. If a spreadsheet feels like a control tool instead of a shared system, it might be time to shift how the information is presented and when it’s discussed. How does your husband like to learn and engage? I bet it's no in Excel. A lot of people don't want to start with numbers and spreadsheets. It can be a quick ticket to not having the convo at all. Maybe start the convo with what's working, or what you're doing well. Take a W first. Maybe instead of spending, you talk about a goal you both want to accomplish and back your way into the discussion about numbers. I hope this helps!
Great, this gives me some ideas. Thank you!
My partner and I both had prior long-term relationships before we got together 5 years ago. How do we let go of our "old ways" of doing things (which were ENTIRELY opposite!) and learn to forge a new way of relating to our money?
Interested in this! In our marriage I grew up with a lot more financial education than my spouse and it’s difficult to help remedy without feeling condescending.