'It’s not just a matter of having “enough” money for a child, but also the intangible resources and support'
A Q&A with Amrita Vijayaraghavan on platonic co-parenting, building connection and community, balancing paid work with values and (much, much) more
It’s basically the perfect creative dream when friends boost their friends’ work — a delightful recipe of collective love, support and creativity building a world where people can do interesting things without the labor of marketing. This kind of organic support is how I was introduced to
— and, of course it is, because she is all about reimagining how we work, play and live to create space for connection and community.Amrita has been running a creative consultancy since 2018 with her friend Andrew Stephens. And now, the two are also co-parents to their son, who turned 1 year old in May. Their work explores their platonic parenting journey and celebrates the beauty of living authentically with imagination and humor, across projects that span writing, film, live radio, podcasting and live events.
Co-parenting and building a life with a non-romantic partner — while also pursuing romantic relationships and running a business together — tees up about a thousand rich conversations. Follow Amrita and Andrew at
to be privy to all of those! For now, let’s hone to the scope to Amrita’s relationship with money.You are reimagining family life as platonic life partners and co-parents to your son, committed to sharing many things, including finances. Through teasing out this partnership among yourselves and in conversations with others, what have you noticed about how money intersects with our experiences of community, partnership and family?
I have a lot to say about this! I think resource-sharing is at the core of what we seek when we think about making a family. Sharing financial resources is maybe more foundational to a working definition of “family” than romantic partnership, or child-bearing (I’m ducking as I say this — please don’t throw any tomatoes until you hear me out). When I think about the core of my own impulse towards family — and that of many of my friends — it is a simple desire to share life’s load, and experience life’s adventure communally.
This is fundamentally human. We all crave support: to be protected against loneliness; to receive emotional care and logistical help; to build the social scaffolding that helps us brace against the world’s harsher tides. I have come to understand that financial support is not just about splitting rent/expenses/childcare costs. In the world we live in, even the intangibles — emotional support, companionship, etc. — are inextricably linked to money, because they all come down to our most valuable commodity: time.
When I think about the core of my own impulse towards family, it is a simple desire to share life’s load, and experience life’s adventure communally.
In this way, pooling resources is not just about amassing more money in an absolute sense. It’s about granting me more time. In an ideal scenario, the more shared resources we have, the more time we have for living. To me, this is one of the promises of partnership and family.
When it comes to parenting, and whether to parent, I cannot overstate how often the decision becomes entrenched in money for many of my (millennial/elder millennial/xennial) friends. It’s not just a matter of having “enough” money for a child, but also the intangible resources and support. Many people are finding that the cost is high by every metric, and unsure how to proceed. I’ve obviously taken a less orthodox route for building financial and familial stability by co-parenting a child with a friend. But so many of our close pals are at interesting financial crossroads of their own right now:
I have four female friends who are exploring becoming solo parents and thinking about what financial and emotional resources would make this choice feel comfortable.
I also have friends (both partnered and single) who are child-free by choice, but still looking for “family.” What does investing in family look like for them — as something separate from children, or as a single person without a permanent monogamous partner? The best we can figure out so far is it looks like: (1) proximity to your friends, and (2) commitment to supporting one another with our time and other resources.
About your relationship with money…
What’s the most joyful thing you’ve done with money in the past six(ish) months?
As much as I have heard and understand the maxims that it’s experiences, not possessions, that ultimately give us happiness… I just can’t deny the kick of pleasure I get from having things. I’m pretty sparing about what I buy for myself, which makes it more pleasurable when I splurge on little, nice things: a custom stamped ID-tag bracelet with a meaningful Tamil phrase (from Etsy). A candle from Cavern NY (Atrium). A perfume from Boy Smells (Violet Ends). A small stack of books — in hardcover! — that I bought, physically, from actual bookstores, while out on long walks (Lofty Pigeon Books and Ripped Bodice). A splurgy bottle of small-batch rye from a tasting at Peerless Distillery while on a weekend trip to Louisville with my sister. I am a lush maximalist at heart, and I treasure each of my precious beautiful things like a magpie.
What messages did you get about money growing up? Which have you held onto and which have you let go?
I am a child of immigrants, and my mom pinched a lot of pennies when we were younger. My parents started out their life in the U.S. armed with graduate degrees but lots of financial instability, and have gradually built a comfortable life for themselves over the last four decades. I recently found a sheaf of old photocopies tucked into one of my parents’ bookshelves; my mom had clearly Xeroxed these from the library rather than purchasing the book, probably in the very early ‘80s. The pages detailed practical tips and suggestions on feeding your family for $2.50 a week! I am not sure if my parents ever had the need to subsist on quite so little, nor do I have a sense of whether they actually used any of these tips and recipes, but the existence of the papers themselves was illustrative.
My parents are quite risk averse now, but when I think about them picking up and moving to another country in their 20s with zero savings and working as post-docs in research science, funded solely by what my dad could secure in grant applications… it’s just wild to think of. My mom recently expressed her worries about my financial future and whether my freelance career would provide me with a comfortable savings and retirement. I asked her, what did your retirement savings look like when you were my age? She laughed, scrunched up her nose and said, “Absolutely nothing.” So, while they definitely have feelings about my non-traditional career path, the financial conservatism is more of a “do as I say, not as I do” sort of thing.
One of my mother’s most closely held financial mantras was to NEVER leave a balance on your credit card, ever. Even if you needed to take out a personal loan to zero out your monthly balance, this was preferable to incurring credit card debt. I remembered this clearly when I got my first credit card right after college, and I never once left a balance on the card, ever. I’ve held onto that advice to this day.
One thing I’m still working to let go of is a scarcity mindset and a risk aversion when it comes to money. I’m still gaining comfort with the idea that you have to invest and take risks in order to grow wealth. I wasn’t raised to understand this. When it comes to money, it’s not always true that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. All I need to do to prove that to myself is to compare the money I put into the stock market last year versus the money I put into a CD last year. The guaranteed return of a CD felt WAY better to me at the time, but the index funds are looking much sweeter now.
I’ve also been letting go of a fear of confronting my finances. While I’m a whiz with budgeting professionally, and great with other people’s finances, I used to be afraid to open the envelopes for my own financial statements. I can’t explain the phobia, exactly, and whether this had its roots in my upbringing. I was always good enough at managing my personal spending that I could always just kind of squint and make things work. But I’m much better now at opening the monthly statements from my bank and investment accounts, and actually facing what’s inside.
How do various facets of your identity impact your work and finances?
I have been asked a few different versions of this question recently, and I struggle for the perspective to answer it with any real insight. I can only approach the world, and my work, from the basis of who I am, demographically: a woman, a short woman, a brown person, a single person, a femme, etc. All of these markers, without a doubt, impact how people receive me in the workplace, and affect how my authority is perceived. I have no experience of being any different (although, of course, I have observed the sometimes-contrasting way that people treat my tall, white, male business partner). But to me, that is more of an answer on the basis of how others perceive me.
A more honest way of answering this question is that I aim to make work and financial decisions that are driven by my values first. One of my guiding principles is that I view myself as an artist first, and that is how I hope to spend my life as a whole: by prioritizing my creative pursuits, and structuring my life and paid work in such a way that my resources and time can bolster my artistic freedom. I want to make work that is message driven and speaks to our times. I may or may not earn an abundant financial return from the creative work itself (which feels increasingly hard) — however, the way I structure my working life and balance my working hours are all in service of maintaining this balance.
Some other values include wanting to provide for my child (eventually children?), and in the future, be able to support my friends (in part by working together or hiring them — we have many enormously talented friends) and to have the capacity to mentor and support other artists whose work I believe in. I also want to cultivate a home that is a gathering place, open door and sanctuary for our friends.
Even if these values require me to make short-term decisions I may not love, e.g. occasionally taking gigs that may not feed my soul or challenge me intellectually — it helps me to maintain a sense of gratitude for my paid work to remember that it enables these other goals that I value so deeply.
What’s one financial decision that frequently causes you stress? How do you work through it?
I’m at a point in my professional life where I need to make some big changes and recalibrations to the balance of paid work, time for art and child care. I am thinking a lot about money and resourcing right now, and it’s frequently anxiety-inducing because there are no easy answers.
Do Andrew and I both need to make a career change? Do I need to seek a high-paying, full-time job that can at least bridge the gap of childcare for the next two to three years until we can qualify for NYC’s free pre-K? How would I deal with the fact that the longer one is self-employed, the less easily hirable one becomes, especially at mid-career levels?
OR, do I double down on our artistic and entrepreneurial pursuits, with the understanding that accepting a lower salary in the short term may actually allow us to qualify for certain health care and child care subsidies? I’m not sure I’m working through these stressors very gracefully at the moment, but that’s OK, too.
I’m at a point in my professional life where I need to make some big changes and recalibrations to the balance of paid work, time for art and child care.
Besides yours, what family or culture podcast do you most recommend and why? Who is it best for?
I mostly listen to music-related podcasts! Just a couple of my favorites:
Afropop Worldwide. I owe a vote of thanks to the first date I went on who recommended this to me. There wasn’t a second date, but I still listen to this podcast faithfully.
Hit Parade. So nerdy, so good. I never miss an episode of this show and constantly regurgitate musical facts I’ve learned from Chris Molanphy.
I also love just “friends shooting the breeze” style podcasts but need some recommendations for new ones!
Instead of talking about the weather, what do you wish strangers would ask you about when you meet on the street?
On one hand, I don’t wish strangers would talk to me at all. On the other hand, literally anything! I have pretty strong opinions about most everything. If I don’t have an opinion about it, I’m sure I could come up with one pretty quickly. In fact, if you see me and bring up the weather, I’m gonna tell you about how I’m obsessed with this Instagram weather guy @nymetroweather and how “vibes” based weather ratings are somehow better than any “scientific” weather tracking app I’ve ever encountered?
(In seriousness though, I am genuinely trying to be better about interacting with strangers in the wild because I really do enjoy people, making new friends, and the wild possibility of dating people I meet IRL. Is that a thing?!)
Where can readers learn more about your work and follow along?
The best place to keep up with all the things is at our Substack,
.Our podcast, Don’t Think Twice, is releasing new episodes now. Our current season explores idioms for creating intimate friendship — starting with our own — and expanding the lens outward. We’ve spoken with our own family and friends, and welcomed guests like Rhaina Cohen, Sarah Schulman and others to speak about aging, group living, activism and other modes of community-building!
We broadcast LIVE on the radio every Sunday evening, DJ’ing lots of new music and perfect jams to round out your weekend on the internet radio show Assisted Living.
We are also on instagram @vijayandstephens.
On top of everything else, I am launching a baby food company with Andrew and our friend Debby called Petite Palates, which aims to provide savory, healthy meals for babies in pureed, pouch format — an area where we perceived a major gap as parents. We are currently in the R&D phase, with hopes of producing three flavors inspired by home recipes, including my mom’s dal.
🌴 Want to rethink your relationship to work and build a life that works for you?
In my class, How to Start Freelancing, I walk through the exact steps to set yourself up financially, professionally and emotionally to start freelancing — whether you want a career change or a side gig to make a little extra money. You’ll learn how to add ease and joy to your life by designing the job or career that’s just right for you. Paid subscribers have full access to this and all Healthy Rich classes.