'When I say “I understand,” I truly do because I have been in financial situations that made me uncomfortable, anxious or avoidant'
A Q&A with Aja Evans, financial therapist and author of FEEL GOOD FINANCE
Money is more than just numbers in a bank account or spreadsheet. In fact, I often wonder whether our relationships with money have anything to do with the numbers at all. Our experiences with money, the choices we make about how to use money, what we believe about money in our culture — all of these are emotional, not financial. But these are the variables that determine the numbers we’re dealing with.
Financial therapist Aja Evans speaks to this reality in her work and in her debut book Feel Good Finance. Aja is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who specializes in financial therapy, so she comes to financial guidance with a focus on mental wellbeing first but understands the need to know the numbers, too. She is both president of the board of the Financial Therapy Association and writer of Square’s monthly newsletter, Finance in Focus.
After going through her own financial awakening, Aja realized the connection between finances and mental health, and she became determined to help more people break the taboo of keeping money and emotions secret. Through Feel Good Finance, she guides you through connecting life experiences to how you spend money to, ultimately, understanding yourself better.
I asked Aja to share more about balancing the emotional with the practical in dealing with money, as well about her personal relationship with money.
You write, “I urge you to give yourself an opportunity to feel” when dealing with finances. We often think of money as only a practical thing, but you make it clear that it’s very obviously emotional, as well. How do you help clients manage the practical side of money while coping with and disentangling the emotions that accompany it?
I don’t mind diving into the numbers with my clients. Sometimes, it is very necessary to not only look, but speak the numbers out loud. Money avoidance is a real issue for many people, so organizing and understanding where they are financially can be a new process for some. Walking through their history, patterns, why they have been avoiding their money and playing out worst-case scenarios all come up when dealing with the numbers. I guide and support my clients through that discomfort knowing, more often than not, they are less anxious when they know what's going on with their money.
Sometimes that looks like breathing work or meditating before looking, going for a walk after or romanticizing their money date with their partner. I help them create a way to engage with their money that hopefully feels more pleasant.
What’s the most joyful thing you’ve done with money in the past six(ish) months?
Having a great day trip with my family or friends is always top of my list for being joyful in my spending. I love eating good food, letting my kids run around outdoors and finishing up with a brewery filled with friends and family. Those are some of my favorite days over the last year.
What messages did you get about money growing up? Which have you held onto and which have you let go?
I got a lot of messages centered around the importance of saving, (without knowing it) prioritizing our spending and the need to work hard for your money. Now, I know WHY saving is so important, but I didn’t quite get it growing up. Additionally, the messages that I received about working hard have been debunked, like a true millennial. I no longer think you have to work hard to make “good” money. There are a lot of people making great money without working hard. I know I am working hard right now, but I am also aware that it is because I have no patience and have a lot of major goals I want to accomplish. It won’t last forever, though!
How do various facets of your identity impact your work and finances?
Lived experience pairs really well with this work. When I say “I understand,” I truly do because I have been in financial situations that made me uncomfortable, anxious or avoidant. How I grew up, my various identities, what I have lived through all inform my work. My financial mistakes have played a huge role in my understanding of financial therapy and honestly led me to niche down, so I am really grateful. Feel Good Finance wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for how I felt about money in the past. So I am grateful for all the ups and downs.
What’s one financial decision that frequently causes you stress? How do you work through it?
Choosing to live in a high cost of living area. I love New York! But I would be lying to you if I weren’t honest about the amount of times I have questioned whether we need to live so close to a major city. Could we be happier in or around a smaller city? The way I work through it is to get really honest with what I am willing to sacrifice. The answer has consistently been that I am obsessed with my house and my community in the suburbs of NYC. I am sure I will continue to ask myself similar questions, but for right now, I (and we) aren’t willing to sacrifice what we have built for a lower cost of living. Getting honest with yourself about what you want and what you are willing to do to get it or keep it can be a very powerful tool.
Besides yours, what personal finance book do you most recommend and why? Who is it best for?
There are a ton of resources I love to share, but Finance for the People by Paco De Leon is definitely one I keep coming back to. It is approachable, relatable and goes beyond the numbers, which I, of course, think is necessary.
Instead of talking about the weather, what do you wish strangers would ask you about when you meet on the street?
What did I last eat or what is bringing me joy? What a fun question. Asking about joy is a lovely prompt to remind myself and others to make room for it more often.
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Thank you for noting it's good to experience our emotions while also learning to be practical about money and money conversations. Western culture has so thoroughly bisected emotion from thought that we feel inadequate when we can't shut emotions down, when we're actually experiencing the 360 degrees of life at its fullest.
Thank you for writing this. I featured it in this week's round-up: https://michelleteheux.substack.com/p/this-week-in-income-inequality-jan-17f